- - - learning to drive part 1 - - -

When I decided to leave NYC and move back home (to TN) so I could focus on working on getting my head and life in the right place I made myself a list of goals. The very first thing on my list was learn to drive.

I'm 29 years old and I've never had a drivers license. Driving has always REALLY intimidated me, honestly I was terrified of it. As a result of that I always found a way around learning to drive and eventually got used to the idea that I was never going to be a driver. When I started thinking about my future self and the things that I wanted to do it became really obvious to me that it was time to conquer this fear. I didn't want to be in a situation where I have to ask someone for a ride every time I need something and where I live right now there's no such thing as public transit. And dang it, I want to go on road trips! Another goal for this year is to go on my first solo road trip but more on that later..

I learned to drive a little when I was 16 but quickly realized I wasn't ready so when I started practicing this time I was basically starting from the beginning. The most challenging part was definitely pushing myself through the times when I got really frustrated. I practiced everyday, every chance I got. When I didn't feel like it, I made myself. When I got nervous, I pushed through it. Everyday it got just a little easier. Each time on the road I took in the full experience and used every opportunity to learn and get better. After a few months I felt ready to take the test!

In TN you have to make an appointment to take the road test. I already had a permit so I didn't need to take the written test. When I called my local DMV to make an apt they didn't have any available for 4 months! I was crushed! But I was determined, so I called the next town over and they were booked up for months too buuut, lucky for me, they had just ONE apt for the following Monday. I put my name on the list and then preceded to spend the next few days practicing and panicking.

When the day came my mom and I drove the hour to Knoxville so I could take the test. I was so nervous. I knew I was ready but that didn't help my anxiety. Unfortunately no matter what I know in my head my anxiety often gets the better of me. It makes me insecure and shakes my confidence. But I'm in no position to let that voice control my life so I did what I could to shut it out and stay calm and focused. When it came time to drive, I just did it... Annnnnd I totally nailed it! I only got one point off for being kinda close to the line when I parked which seemed a little ridiculous but honestly I couldn't have cared less! I was stoked.

When I got home and had a min to take it all in, I cried tears of total joy. I feel like it seems kinda silly, like everyone learns to drive, what's the big deal? But this was something I really thought I couldn't do and I totally did it! I'm really happy that I waited, I wasn't ready when I was younger. I am ready now. It feels super rad to be able to cross this one off my list. I am really proud of myself!


Crazy happy face post drivers test!

- - - Frustration - - -

I set a lot of goals for myself and as a result I put a lot of pressure on myself to achieve them. With that pressure comes a lot of frustration and this week surely has been a testament to that. It's easy to forget about the big picture and get caught up in the little set backs and frustrations. What I've learned is that you'll never get to where you want to be without having to deal with some (or a lot of) bumps in the road.

Ya know that old saying, 'the journey is the destination' or something like that.. well I think there's so much truth there. Frustration is gonna happen, I don't care what your doing or who you are, it's just going to happen and there's nothing you can do to change that. What you can do it choose how you respond to it. This week I've let frustration set me back, piss me off and make me cry. What I should have been doing instead was using it to push myself forward. Frustration, in a weird way, is a reminder that I'm on the right path, that I'm working towards something because if I wasn't then I wouldn't be frustrated. In all journeys big and small I think it's important to appreciate the good and the bad. The good for obvious reasons but the bad because that's when you really get the opportunity to learn and to grow. And, after all, that's what this journey is all about.

- - - Appalachian Trail - - -

I've always been a fan of hiking but it's only been since moving back home to Tennessee in Oct that I'm fully understanding just how good for me it is. Hiking is more than exercise, it's a chance to escape and focus only on what's right in front of me. To focus only on my breathing and my footsteps. There's little room for the day to day worries of life when you're trying not to fall down a mountain.

 

It's a simple thing really but standing in the forest breathing in the life and energy around me energizes my soul. It lifts my spirits and gives me a sense of control over my mind. It's a reminder to appreciate the things around me. I want to take every moment to experience it.

 

Forever exploring! Forever humbled by our beautiful, natural world.

 

 

 

- - - the risk you take - - -

 

So my good friend and I were walking through the woods mostly being quiet but also talking a little about life things. As we were walking past a particularly shifty looking pile of leaves and such I said something about being afraid a snake was hiding in there and moved past it quickly because I am terrified of snakes. He just laughed at me and said "well.. that's the risk you take."

It was such a simple thing for him to say but to me, a person that literally over thinks and worries about everything, it was almost profound. As the day went on I couldn't get that phrase out of my mind. He wasn't saying that you shouldn't respect nature and be careful of the dangers that exist in the woods, what he was saying was that without the risk of being eaten by snakes you don't get to enjoy the magic that is being alone in the forest.

I think this applies to almost every aspect of my life, especially over the past year. I have a serious anxiety problem. I have dealt with it my entire life and it has controlled almost every choice I have made and I am so tired of it. The past year I've been working so hard to change it, working to not let worry, fear, panic or uncertainty hold me back for living my life and doing the things I want to do. And let me tell you, it's been awesome!

I am making this blog to share my experience with anxiety and pushing myself through the hard shit. I know there are a lot of people who can relate and I hope to share the ways that I'm looking for the good stuff in life. I want to focus on the positive. I want to push myself into situations that are hard for me as a means of growth and understanding. I want to build confidence. I want to cross things off my to do list. I want to take the great risk of just living my life because you only get one chance!